Recovery: Day 2 – 4

Sorry for the delay in posting, so much shit has gone down in the past month I'm not even sure it's my life any more. A whole lotta scandal that will be delicious to post about, you will have plenty of opportunities to judge me. But before we can get to that, back to the days of grief:

Bargaining


Day 2

I spent the majority of 36 hours on my friend's bed, we watched a lot of tv and occasionally ate, though I had very little appetite. She was amazingly supportive, listening while I spieled and agreeing when needed. There were no tears, though the shock and grief was still fresh.

She maintained contact with Cord while I was there, and through her I was able to ask him questions about the situation. I did not expect a turnaround in his mind, but with the abruptness of the decision coupled with his inability to explain I felt I needed answers, but there really were none. The reason I was searching for gradually developed as more of a concept than a fact. He didn't feel the same.. something had changed.

Day 3


I left on the train and travelled back to uni. Many people had been in touch over the weekend, and I arranged to stay at one of their houses that night; I wasn't ready to stay in my own flat yet, since the memory of the break-up was still painfully raw. Why couldn't he have broken up with me in a fast food restaurant?? It would be healthy to avoid somewhere like that rather than my own fucking bedroom..

I stopped off at my place to get clean clothes and headed straight round there. More support and opportunities to talk it out followed. Went to bed relatively early but lying by myself stewing in my own thoughts meant that sleep was a far-off notion. I hadn't had any contact with Cord since I had got on the train and left for London. He had checked up on me through others, like some distant guardian caring mainly out of guilt. Lying in the darkness, weighed down with drowsiness and fighting the emptiness I got my phone out and texted him.

>I said I wouldn't send this but... I don't think I'll ever really understand.. It would probably make this easier if you told me you didn't love me anymore. But well.. yeah, this isn't me pleading anymore. I know you've made your decision, and though it's beyond me and will leave one hell of a scar, I'll respect it. I'm sure people have already told you what a shell/mess/wreck I've been, so I won't get all depressive on you.
>Maybe the friend thing can work at some stage, I don't know. I just know that I couldn't bear to witness you "moving on" and pulling someone else anytime soon, it would massively set back this recovery and just makes me feel a little sick at the thought of it.. I think the possibility of that happening in the near future is what could stand in the way of a friendship. Also I heard that you were thinking of missing C's birthday – I don't really think you should skip that, though the only things I'd worry about would be - like I said - seeing you hook up with someone, or, since I'm almost certainly gonna be on E, the fear that I might be carefree enough to try something with you, but I am almost certain I have learned my lesson and the latter shouldn't be a problem, no matter what substance I've ingested.


He replied quickly:

>It's ok ry, it's good to hear from you. As for the 'moving on' I'll admit there is an emphasis with some of the house to go out 'on the pull' but honestly I don't see myself getting involved any time soon as I just can't imagine/stomach it right now. I'm still not convinced C's party is a good idea. I drank on saturday and ended up crying into my pillow and although I'm probably gonna risk a night out tomorrow I think the combination of alcohol and you being there will just not be good. I'm really glad you broached the 'friends' question as, although I think it's too soon for me to see you as a friend, it would be amazing if we could be friends eventually (and I'll gladly give up any minor chance of me getting off with someone if that would make a difference).
>A said something the other day that struck very true. He pointed out just how unnatural in any relationship, friends or otherwise, to suddenly cut everything off completely is, especially with someone as close as you are to me. I've found myself holding back 'liking you wall posts' or 'posting links on your wall' or just texting you. I'm pretty sure I'm still in shock but I really hope that when I get my head sorted we can have some semblance of a normal relationship. Call me selfish but I can't at the moment imagine a life without you in it. Anyway, loooong text. I know you're not going to be ok but I hope you start to feel better soon. I hope heading out of town helped a bit and I wish you luck in trying to piece your life together


(The last sentence kind of brings out  Anger)

I text him a lengthy message, but most of it was just chatter, other than this:

>A has a point, it may even help the recovery if we keep in touch, I don't know.. It could be like we're gleaning off the relationship back to a strong friendship. I have no idea how this stuff usually goes, but I think I have hope. Thank you for the staying clear of your next sex for a while, it would chip another bit of me if you got with someone else before I'm kind of back to normal.. And same, I can't really imagine not being in touch with you, friends is a definite possibility.


Day 4


A relatively uneventful day, we exchanged a few texts, I asked him if we could meet face to face so I could try and get the answers I needed and have the final closure of the whole debacle. He said it was too soon and he would probably end up crying again, but that maybe after a week had passed he would be able to meet. I replied that after that length of time I would probably not be interested in opening the wounds again, and that I really hoped his lack of willingness to give my mind some logic would not lead me to resent him. He text:

>Still not sure it's the best idea as I'm still kind of in the same place as when I left you but if you think it'll help you then let's do it. Salvaging a friendship from this is what's most important to me right now


We never bothered meeting, by the next day I had lost my motivation and I began to discover the advantages of being a good-looking single gay guy. A little too soon perhaps..